An ambiguous season

They say fall and spring are the best seasons in Japan.  Neither too cold nor hot, it's perfect to stroll outside and watch the sunlight leak through the fire-red leaves in the fall or the pink clou ds of sakura in spring.  But it's also a time when many catch colds due to the sudden temperature change, or perhaps the blues during this ambiguous switch over of the globe's axis.  I haven't been the only one feeling emotionally ick.  Those around me have also been suffering the same symptoms of irrational gloom. 

We're in Japan living cushy lives on cushy wages.  Some have boyfriends, some have a beloved brother visiting from the States, some have lots of fun partying it up under the Osaka nights.  Yet, we all feel like we sit on something brittle that can shatter at any moment.  Or the days seem to drip through our fingers like water though we desperately try to cup our hands tighter and save at least one droplet.

Let me retract from this depressive image you may have envisioned me in.  My recent weekends have actually been spent drunk on love.  Love...yes that's the word that's been on our lips of late.  To be sickly honest, a magic witch must have cast a spell on my boyfriend (aka Hottie) of 6 months and I because hours pass by without us realizing.  I don't exactly know why I feel so attached to him, and he often questions this himself.  He knows his own faults and desultory, unchanging ways that have utterly disappointed many(?) girls in the past, thus leading to the mystery, why me?  For some reason, I decided to give him a chance half a year ago, and now I frantically check my cell phone to see if I've received a message from him every five seconds.  Really.  This must be a disease.

But reality does strike us at times.  On Sunday mornings when the sun already high in the sky shines through my glass window and warms the futon we lie on, he often murmurs "is it okay to be this happy?"  Being too happy indeed is scary.  For every high there is a downer.  All things good do not last.  We are high.  We are blinded by an illusion of the ideal.  And when reality strikes, I'm afraid it'll strike hard.  We're experiencing an emotional inflation like the Japanese economic bubble of the eighties.  In order for a soft-landing, we're going to have to put some brakes on whether we like it or not. 

I guess that means finding my own foot again and focusing on GRE(?) studies.  Must concentrate and find what life means to me and discover a passion that will not die.  There are so many people around me both back home and abroad that constantly give me motivation and something to reach towards.  Those of you who know who you are, and those I secretly admire from afar, I'm looking to you for the strength and will to lead me through this sweet haze.  I don't even know if this is love or just an infatuation of this feeling I get. 

Meantime, the clock ticks away.  It is already autumn...an amibuguous change of seasons as the trees, flowers, and birds prepare for winter.

My bro and I visit grandma in Tokushima during Awaodori Festival (August).  This is the only time this prefecture gets this crowded.  The streets are usually deserted, peaceful, quiet, and litter-free.

First overnight trip with the Hotser to Ise where one of Japan's oldest shrine stands.  Somehow he always manages to hang his mouth half-open during photos...

Shock!!  Japanese men CAN wash dishes!!!

Changes in time..

Summer is here and it's everywhere.  The cicadas cling onto virtually every tree you can find in the city and start crying at the crack of dawn.  And when you have 40 gazillion of these winged insects sing its annoying chorus, it almost sounds like a major electrical disaster. 

Summer's not just in the trees.  It hangs thick in the air.  The heat and the unbearable humidity makes it almost impossible to breath outside.  Unsheltered from the comforts of AC is torture, and paying $100/month for electricity is well-worth the sacrifice.

During this time of insane discomfort, I've experienced countless changes, mostly sad if not unfortunate, that have deeply affected my conscience and sort of rubbed my numbed senses to life. 

For some reason, the loved ones of a few of my friends have passed away this summer.  I even went to one of my coworker's mother's funeral on a rainy Sunday morning.  It was pouring when I stepped out of my apartment, but by the time I arrived, the rain had let up and the sun peaked from between the clouds.  I still remember the soft  ting of the Buddhist monk hitting the chime several times while reciting a mantra in a monotonous but soothing voice.  There was a breeze, and it rustled the leaves of a tree leaning over the small storage room-like building where inside, relatives and close friends sat in black facing the smiling photo of a warm, gentle woman I've never met and my friend, her sister, and her father who stood at the front, chins tucked in.  Towards the end of the funeral, guests get up to pray to the deceased.  Each goes up to the alter where the unflinching photo stares at your every move, and you take a pinch of incense, raise it to your forehead, then place it in a different bowl.  You repeat this process two or three times before putting your hands together for a prayer.  Finally, you turn to the left to bow to members of the remaining family. 

My eyes met those of my friend's as I silently conveyed my condolences, and suddenly, seeing Tomomi's reddened, but tearless eyes and stoic strength, something hit me and I crumbled.  At the office, Tomomi always smiled with grace and was composed, lady-like and poised.  Even at the funeral, she never lost it.  Despite her tiny frame and mousey voice, her determination and will-power to keep it together was breathtaking.  Watching her holding it back and biting down on this sad reality was inspiring and gallant, yet painful and heart-wrenching.  To put it simply, it was just so sad.  Tears started to well up and I, who never cries in public, was shedding salty droplets at a funeral for a woman I've never met.

That happened at the beginning of summer.  As days rolled by and heat began to rise and rise, the time neared for my close JET friends to pack up their lives in Japan and begin anew in separate destinations.  Leisa, my good Kiwi friend, just departed to journey back to New Zealand.  She was the ever outgoing event organizer who excelled at cooking up a fuss if you weren't up to ending the night with a boogie.  I'm going to miss you, Leisa!  Without you, my nights will be peaceful and quiet since the spice has left the country.

Then there's Ryan and KY of goodole Shiz.  They too were crazy energizer bunnies.  I know this from being able to enjoy their company in Japan and during our 2 week travel in China.  They can easily climb Mt. Fuji all night without a wink of sleep and party the next day as well.  Where does all this energy come from?  Watching them amazes me.  They are always genki, full of energy.  But what's more amazing is their openness, willingness and diligence to learn new things (ie: taiko, KY's newfound passion) and to get to know the heart's of people.  KY, I loved how you would ask those rhetorical, philosophical puzzlers (ie: would you rather have 3 nipples or 3 nostrils).  Ryan, you're the most lovable guy I know and one would be crazy not to like you.  (I know this is your strength just as your weak spot, but really, your positive ions always make the room shine.)  I've been so honored and blessed to be able to experience the JET life with these folks, and though we lived miles away in Japan and didn't hang out often, I'll still feel this empty void knowing you're not a Shinkansen trip away.

And last but not least, Penny.  Penny used to sit in back of me at the International Relations office at Osaka City Hall.  We worked together in the same room everyday, and she was the person who kept me sane during insecure moments.  Japan could be so isolating, cold, and lonely, and without Penny's carefree laughter and good-natured Aussie drinking habits to blow away the dark clouds that Japanese society casts over you sometimes (esp. at work), I would have sunk so low.  She made work fun, I'm sure not just for lucky me, but for everyone in the office.  We had way too many crazy memories together, and I know none other can fill such a large space you've occupied in my soul.  I will surely and truly miss my Aussie (but morelike Japanese) partner in crime. 

Things in the workplace are shakey.  No one in the office is for certain if the department will even exist next fiscal year.  Internationalization is so abundant now.  Anyone can access a person sitting across the sea by the touch of a computer.  Though 98% of English spoken in Japan is crap despite the 6 years of English education in schools, there are still plenty of natives or English-speakers in this dense city of 3 million that you don't really need an office of about 18 people to coordinate international relations (whatever that concept means in our office...).  The thing about public administration in Japan is bizarre.  City employees have no jurisdiction as to what department they'll be blown off to when transfers take place for each individual about every 4 or 5 years.  Hence, almost half of the staff in the office I work at do not speak a drop of English.  And yes, folks, they work in International Relations for the Mayor's Office...  Highly inefficient, yes.  Can the staff work confidently and accomplish tasks?  Well, many are struggling but one has fallen.  Mr. I (whose name I have changed for confidentiality) never peeped a word about his anxieties and heavy burden he felt of not knowing exactly what the hell he's doing.  After taking a week-long break to spend time with family, coming back to work became harder and harder.  Sinking deeper into mud, he finally decided to take a month off of work, which is practically unthinkable amongst workaholic Japanese. 

I sort of understand where he's coming from because my first 2 years as a CIR, I had no idea what my purpose was.  Everyday, I came to read the Herald Tribune, check my email, and try to look busy the entire day.  Not until this year when my manager and supervisor switched due to transfers (known as ido here) did I actually feel like part of the team working towards a goal together.  So I know how dark and frightening it is to grapple with putting a meaning to what might seem like meaningless work.  Just as Marx criticized alienation in the workplace where people feel displaced from products they produce, therefore stripping people the joy and sense of accomplishment from working, I think Mr. I became a stranger to his own toils and efforts.  No matter how hard he struggled, his hours of hard work would lead to fruitless results.  And this on top of many other circumstances seemed to have cornered him into a state of depression.

In the midst of the nearing typhoon season, there also seems to be a whirlwind of turmoil swirling around me...  People come and go, rise and fall, and times change.  Man's strength and patience is tested.  My third year seems like it will be one interesting ride.     

Kobe station with Honjo girls (Leisa, Sarah Anna, Natalie)

Easy-goers

Cali-peeps and wannabe-Yorker in Ito

Predawn Bad Assssssss

Who knows what the future holds...

But I am hopeful...!  Let's enjoy the ride.

Sakuras in bloom

Okay.  I know I should update chronologically (and finish up the China piece), but the cherry blossoms were so pretty today, I had to show it to the world.  Some friends and I rolled out our picnic mats at Sakuranomiya Park which stretches along the river for a couple miles.  The park is lined with rows and rows of Cherry Blossoms, or sakura, that were in full bloom.  (Sakuranomiya = home of the Cherry Blossoms).  All you can see is soft pastel pink rustling in the wind everywhere.  It seriously snows petals whenever there's a breeze. 

Everyone and there mamas were there, every inch of the park filled with glowing red, happy J-people full from their bbqs roasting on the grill or the obento boxes brought from home, not to mention the cans and cans of beer and chuhai in their stretched stomachs.  The girls had to wait 30 minutes to use the limited porta-potties.  The City should really reconsider adding so'more of those babies. 

Anywho, words cannot fully express the breathtaking beauty of these delicate, short-lived blossoms.  So I'll let my trusty camera speak for itself.

Good mates on a Good Sunday (HAPPY EASTER!)

From left, Leisa, Daniel (the blue eyes from Sweden), Natalie, Akiko, Song, and the Penster

Shidare-zakura (The hanging sakura)

Love is in the air!  It's spring!  Warmth is finally returning to this land.

My masterpiece.  Working the options on my digi-camera.

Overlooking Sakuranomiya.  View the Osaka Castle waaaay in the background to the right. 

The Land of Mao

So, backtracking 2 weeks....no wait, 4 weeks, Ryan, KY, Besto, and I, four easygoing, fun-luving suckers, went to the land of Mao.  The Chinese adventure began March 11th in Beijing.  The other 3 had already arrived a day before me, so I had to travel all by my lonesome self to the daunting el capital of the massive Asian country. 

For some reason, I had this funny, uneasy feeling that the start of the trip would go awry somehow.  Most of it was because I did not plan this trip AT ALL.  Everything from the tour (which I still must pay Ryan for) and our extra trip to Hong Kong, I left up to Ryan and KY to organize, so China was pretty much the last thing on my mind up until the day of my departure.  Even during the whole trip, it never hit me that I was actually in China...

So yes...in Shanghai, I had a stopover before heading to Beijing and though I knew I had to go through immigration there, I had no idea where I was supposed to go in the airport.  Guess I had gone in the wrong direction (the direction to which everyone was being herded off to) and when the bitchy staff lady finally found me, she made me shuffle around from one place to another, making me wait in strange, secluded areas without telling me what the hell was going on.  So finally, she settles me next to this counter where about 4 Chinese chicks are supposed to be "working," prolly checking for foreigners like me who are stopping over and need to go through immigration.  The work seemed easy enough so they're all chatting, chilling, taking it easy on the job, and the bitchy one that had been so graciously helping me, I know with a certainty, starts bitching about me.  She most likely said something like, "this idiot traveller here.  She don't know where hell she goin.  I coulda had my ass fired if I didn't find her in time.  Damn tourists."  Sigh...the frustration of not knowing the blasted language. 

The flight from Shanghai to Beijing ends up being delayed an hour, but thankfully, I arrive in Beijing safely.  BUT, the idiot tourist (I later find out) had given the wrong flight info to the tour company.  Lo and behold, I'm frantically searching for my pick-up service.  I panick and pace back and forth the departure exit scouring the awaiting crowd for someone to hold a sign with my name on it.  The only people who call out to me are the annoying hotel boys trying to snatch customers.  Just in case, I attempt calling the hotel, but also fail in this next resort as I manage to hear the short English message saying the number has changed...  Damn it!  I give up searching, thinking the tour guide prolly left because my flight was so late, and manage to catch a cab to the hotel.  Oh, I was so relieved to finally find the hotel, check in smoothly, and sink into bed.  Whew.

So that was my first day in China.  The rest of the highlights, I shall talk about later...  I just napped for 2 hours, but I'm already feeling drowsy again.  Age is catching up.

Day 2: Tiananmen Square (Our tour group from left, KY, Ryan, Besto, Pauline(mum), and her daughter) Beijing was freezing, the chill wind relentless in biting through your clothes.

We love Mao.  That painting weighs several tons according to our all-too-chatty tour guide Lina who would not SHUT UP in the car.  (I'm pretty sure the driver felt like shooting her).

Back view of the entrance to the Forbidden City, where everything is "forbidden."

The 3 kids.  They never stop fooling around and FARTING!  Jeez.

Rain rain go away

Rain in winter is the worst especially when you have to ride your bike to work, balancing an umbrella in one hand and trying to dodge crazy, unpredictable pedestrians.  Though, I admit, I am one crazy biker as well. 

So, the Valentine's "date" ended in mixed results.  Was it good or bad?  I have no idea.  I think the boy discovered something in me he never noticed before, and this turned out to be not what he expected/wanted.  This is just my assumption.  I wonder if it's universal how men think/go about dating.  Or are Japanese men, in particular, sneaky and sly in every move?  They're never clear in their intentions which drives girls mad.  Whoever thought women were hard to understand...men are equally ambiguous.  This dating game is just too much for this simpleton.  But I guess I'm new to it so gotta suck it up and become a baller.  Truth is, I'm in no hurry for anything. 

Best advice Ryan gave me: just f it all

Sometimes you just have to let go and not care of what's around you (in a responsible manner, of course).

I hope the rain lets up tomorrow!  I've let my wash out in the balcony for the past few days, hoping it'll dry soon...  No dryers in this country.